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My eyes hurt blah! I am so tired but I know what will happend. I will lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for another night. I do that alot lately its almost as tho my mind goes into deep thought mode right about then. I finally drift off to sleep but it seems like hours later. Today I went with my best friend. had a great day. Seen my godson. I love that kid. He is adorable. She said something that made me think today after I got home. The lady carded me for my bottle of wine ( which I drank in a short span.. lol) She said oh she's 25. Now I think my GOD I AM 25! where the hell did my time go. and then it hits me.......





At the age of 18 my mom first started having her surgeries. The first one she went in for was endometreosis (sp) She had to have a full hysdarectomy ( excuse the spelling I am exhausted) She came out of that fine. She got an infection very badly. I took care of her trough that..



at the age of 19 for that year things went pretty good.. Nothing really wrong..



The age of 20 I found out my mom had colon/rectal cancer. I came home from school ( I was in cosmetolgy school at the time) She was sleeping in her bedroom. My dad told me that she had cancer and it was the size of a softball. I cried. I didn't know what to do say or think. All I could think of is.. why? From that time until 6 months later my mom was on a 24 hour kemo pack and radiation then another 4 months of 24 hour kemo. She was such a trooper. She got severly burned from radiation but, didnt lose her hair. Now if my mom woulda lost her hair there would have been hell to pay.. lol. The cancerous mass had shrunk down to the size of a golf ball. it was a MIRACLE. She went in and had her major surgery. She had to have a ostmy. Which is where they direct your intestine out threw a hole in your stomach and you use pouches. That day was so stressful i knew she was going to come out alive tho. We sat in the hosptial and waited. We finally went to go get some fresh air ( we was my dad, my aunt and i) The elevator door isnt sposed to open for the surgery floor.. it did. I saw my mom.. pumped full of fluid. 50 pounds of it cold as ice. I held my tears I knew she was okay. My dad began to cry. She came out of surgery like a pro. i took care of her. helped her do the things she needed. I love her more then anything. She was healing good for the surgery. or so we thought. We knew she had a hernia. Her body went through such a tramatic surgery they waited. at the time i was about 22. I knew that at one time my mom had only 6 months to live. but she beat those odds. My mom started getting sick for some reason. Throwing up bile. We took her to the hospital and they said " its old grease" I knew something was serverly wrong.2 trips and comits into the hospital later they said she had a blockage in her intestine. They gave her an irigation ( like an enema) They popped her bowl line. ( the scar tissue was causing her intestine to twist and look like a blockage.) That night we got a call from the doctor. My mom was in sevire pain Screaming, yelling, crying, " LORD TAKE ME NOW" god the screams still flow through my head. They waited took x-rays and waited. Fianlly the doctor came in.. took her to emergency surgery. They tried to clean her out and fix the rupture. My mom was alive after the surgery. We went home to change.. as soon as we got home we got a call from the hospital. " come see her she is awake." We got there. My mom was filled once again with 60 lbs of fluid I looked at my mom with her steel cold eyes and she said she loved me and she loved my dad. She died right there in my site. They kept filling her with fluids for 4 days. She was gone. 6 iv poled every 8 hooked on each pole.. every hook was full and some even were doubled up. They finally told us that my mom was gone.



The funeral was planned. We had to get an oversized casket because they had pumped so much fluid into my mom. She was actually leaking during the time.



23-24 I was in and out of bad relationships. I moved out then home within a year because of a volitle relationship.



My dad struggle with his health after this. He had a blood clot I came back and forth and helped him when I didnt live at home. I moved home april 2004. I was home for about 3months when I stayed the night with a friend. I came home to the news of " yoru dad was in a life and death accident we dont know if he is going to be able to keep his foot or not. He lost alot of blood and is in bad shapped" He was on total bed rest for the rest of the year. He could barely walk. We were nervous because we didnt know if he would be able to keep his foot. He had a pin in his foot. His foot was crush like putting a glass in a plastic bag and smashing it. many pins and one long pin it finally fused together. Now we just had to worry about the infection of the wound. I didnt sleep for days on end making sure he was okay. Cleaning his foot, doing everything I could. He was in a wheel chair for a long time then finally moved to a walker. His wound is still healing and open after almost a year. He will always walk with a gimp. He always will.



So basically thats where my time has been. Wrapped up with others but myself. I am pretty lost sometimes. I know my mom is around me. She leaves me little signs its rather cute.



The screams will never escape my mind. The words of my mom sick saying " please dont leave me I get scared when I am alone" sometimes can ring through my head. Time dosent erase all pain or memories or even the sounds in my head.



I miss her always will... Well theres my time...

There are moments in our life that we remember on a daily basis. Some good some bad. Today is a day full of remembering moments. The moments I shared with my mom. The great moments we had are always there. Sometimes the bad moments creep up and cause me to cringe. I still talk to her as though she was here. I am sure she is. Even though she walks in a spirtiual form I know she is lurking about somewhere.



In my 25 years ( which I know dosen't seem like long to most but, when you have had so many life experiences cramed into a short time it is) I figure out a few things.Thats what life is about. Dealing with the ups and downs, the pains the pleasure, the general walk threw it, and figuring out lifes lessons. So many lessons I have learned. Some I wish could of came at a later point in my life. To bad we don't get to pick at which point but, tough luck right? I also believe in life people meet or talk for a reason. Could be the simpliest reason. Maybe just to have someone there when they need someone. To even have the escape of life for that brief moment the person can offer. I know I am one of those people that can breeze into a person's life when they need someone and breeze out. I always have. If I help them I some what help myself. I listen well. I give good advice and insight. I can learn from others and thier mistakes then doing them myself sometimes. Is it selfish to learn from others so you yourself don't have to feel the reprocussions if it were to happen to you? I don't know. Maybe thats why I have so many walls up. I see what life holds with others so I tuck myself away in a box of walls. Hiding from the pain, hurt and torement of the world. I don't say I live totally in a fantasy land, seeing as that wouldn't be heathly, but I do live in one inside my walls. In my walls there is nothing that can harm me. I have only let my walls down a few times. One time was to live a volitle relationship/lifestyle, the second was to a person that toyed with my feelings and emotions, the third well I tear my walls down fully and then being to rebuild and tear them down again. I do it out of fear. Its what I know. Its what I do. My strength also causes me to build walls. I am a strong women. I have handled many situations in my life that some couldn't handle. I hide my emotions behind one of those walls. I like to think I hold them well.. lol Tonight on the other hand was a different story. I was talking to someone very special to me. I can just sense when there is something wrong with him. I don't know why. I just know. Tonight I meerly said 3 sentences and he asked what was wrong. I was shocked ( not in a bad way) but in a way of someone can actually sense when I am not "right". It took me back for a moment. I proceded to say what was on my mind. I fumbled for a moment but, then I just knew it was okay and to go on. Just to have someone know that there was something wrong and say the sweetest things or even take the time to make me laugh ment more then what I could even express. Thank you for spending parts of the day with me even if you couldn't be here in person you were right along side me with your words and your presence. I adore you my h.b. very very much so ::smiles hugs and kisses :: I also have to say thank you so my snookums. She is a person that is never afraid to listen when you need someone just to talk to. She always makes me laugh when I need it. She is another person that just knows. Thank you Snookums ::hugs::



There are so many people that have just been here for me the past few days.. You are not forgotten. My mind is wondering from the emotional day and the words that have just flowed.



Sleep is what I need... and if dreaming is the only way I can be with you.. then I shall want to dream forever..